OH, the beauty of exploring our defense mechanisms. So, on top of loading too much on my plate I also have this defense mechanism to burn things to the ground. This is my, "I'm going to leave you before you can leave me," to protect myself from getting hurt.
I've learned these defense mechanisms were built when I was little and served me so very well while I needed them. But, as an adult they can really get in the way from me living an intentional life. When conflict gets too tough, too threatening I want to run, but not without pouring some gasoline, lighting the match and destroying the threat before I go.
It's hard to admit this, but sometimes Travis and I will have pretty trivial arguments and my mind slips to a place of how I might live without him if I had to. It's dramatic and anxiety provoking and unnecessary. But, it's the little fighter in my heart, saying "do you need me to burn it down?"
To protect myself from vulnerability I armour up.
I don't need anyone. It's really a self sabotaging mechanism that I need to work through.
So my work will be getting to know the little girl who needed to build this defense mechanism. Who needed to be strong, and destructive to survive. I need to sit with her, let her feel scared, and vulnerable and alone and show her that it's okay to be those things. That people actually love you more for it. I need to be grateful that she was resourceful enough to light a fire when she needed to, but also give her permission to put down the matches and just be the light she was meant to be.