We are so good at lying to ourselves. It's actually why I first started seeking spiritual guidance, because I wanted to learn discernment between transformation and the bullshit we tell ourselves. I think, more often than not...we create lies, pretty boxes, an easy to swallow and promote narrative of who we are and how we do it so well.
We learn being positive and focusing on positive energy is good so rather than allowing ourselves to process and acknowledge any negative feelings we force those down and cover them up with more smiling, happy posts on facebook and essentially ignore anything that doesn't fit our narrative. Because, let's be honest, if we had to acknowledge it, we might actually have to do some work and the work is rough.
I thought I had dealt with a lot of my "not good enough" feelings. I went through a lot of pain to heal from inadequacy. I rose refreshed, feeling worthy and confident I could accomplish anything, but it's amazing how, without regular practices to check in, all those healthy goals you put in your life, start looking like you trying to prove you're good enough.
My narrative is, I'm a hard worker, a go getter, unstoppable, superhuman. It's easy to pick this narrative up when you listen to personal development podcasts day in and day out. You hear, you are the creator of your reality, and only you stops you from achieving greatness, but then we resort to our own definition of greatness, which usually is some level of financial freedom, or education, or notoriety.
I started this blog to GET HONEST about where I am in my divine purpose and to commit to the CLIMB to being ALIGNED, but then I just worked harder, put more things on my plate to show everyone that I'll do whatever it takes to fulfill my purpose. God doesn't want us to work harder, he wants us to surrender. Piling things on my plate is my defense mechanism to not have to deal with my feelings of inadequacy.
My climb isn't up the piles work I've created for myself, my climb is being willing to acknowledge that I'm still hiding and explore that a bit. Who would I be if I produced nothing. Who am I without grad school and Stable Moments, and work? I may be lost right now, but this is why I do this, because most of us live lies and I just want to be brutally honest when I look in the mirror. Living in alignment is constant self-reflection and if you're not careful, old programming is bound to creep back disguised as the divine itself.