There's something about adversity that I love. I enjoy clawing through the gravel, arriving cut up and scarred with a story of victory. I've always been drawn to struggle, to truth, to the depths of the dark side. There is something about my personality that needs the whole spectrum. As I make intentional decisions everyday to walk in the light, I never forget the darkness.
I enjoy the relief of knowing it doesn't have to be hard. You're not a victim. Not everything earned has to be through suffering, but I enjoy knowing my grit is there when I need it.
Some of us had no choice but to develop grit. It was a coping mechanism we needed to survive. Each time, as a small child, our feelings didn't matter, we weren't listened to, someone didn't believe us, called us names, made us feel inferior or abused us, we added another layer of grit to our armor. Like coats of asphalt to our small frame, until we were protected. We grew with this armor and took it on as our identity.
I am strong. I can do anything. I'm a badass. They can't get me down. I'll show them. Fuck them. Fuck it.
They won't catch me vulnerable.
We shout about the things we're doing, how we're champions, anything to prove that we are rocking this life, because deep down we are trying to reaffirm, we're worthy, or smart, or strong, or lovable. These patterns are hard wired from when we needed them.
For so long I was proud of my armor. I mean you didn't meet me without meeting my armor, and ya know what, I should be proud of it. I'm proud of the little girl that found resilient ways to survive. But, as I continue to do inner work and I continue to love on that little girl and give her what she needs, I have been able to soften and slowly take layers of the armor off.
Discussing this with people I have often heard..."But thats what made you who you are today." I am so very grateful to be the woman I am today, and I wouldn't change a thing about the battles I have fought, but that's not an excuse to not do the work. We all have armor. We all created defense mechanisms that served us well then, and sabotage us now.
I truly believe, you can live in the flow and effortlessly attract everything that makes your heart happy and full through nurturing the little person who needed to protect themselves.
The first half of life is creating ways to survive. The second half is developing the awareness that you no longer need that armor, and discovering the incredible light you are without it.