Updated: Aug 27, 2020
I have been a mom for over 7 months now. I have sacrificed my own wellbeing, as all moms do, to make sure he is completely taken care of. I remember the all day and night nursing sessions as he was trying to build my milk supply. I remember literally taking him from the couch, to the bathroom, to the kitchen, to the couch, all attached to my breast. I remember wanting so badly to cry out of sleep deprivation while being equally determined to get my milk supply up and do what I felt my baby needed.
As he got a bit older, and I went back to work, I had mom guilt of letting someone else essentially raise my son. I stared at a pictures of him, hooked up to a pump at work, as I prayed for milk to flow. The anxiety of making my milk quota would interfere with my concentration on work deadlines. This was one of those irrational mom metrics I had assigned to myself. 12 oz = good mom, anything less, I was failing. I would try harder tomorrow.
At night, in between, play time, and feed and consoling this little being, I would feverishly search the internet on "what happens when supply runs out," "is one bottle of formula bad?"
Even when everyone was asleep and I was given the green light to rest. Racing thoughts. Did I send that email I was supposed to? Is everything ready for daycare tomorrow? Will I regret getting no professional pictures of our first child? WHO doesn't get professional photos of their first child? And so on.....
I know everyone says that the moment you lay eyes on your baby there is this magic, everything in the world changes and you realize you have never loved anything as much as you love this new creation. I have to admit I can't really relate. I absolutely loved him and was in awe, but he was a baby. I just felt pretty matter of fact about it. Not depressed, not upset, I was happy but I was definitely missing the magic. This is something that would add to my mom guilt and anxiety. I mean you can't admit to anyone you don't feel an immediate bond without them diagnosing you with postpartum depression, so I just kept that information to myself.
Needless to say, this has been a roller coaster, a challenge, a whole new world. I have often wondered if I'll ever get a full night sleep again. Will I ever feel back to normal? This week has been emotional for me, and I found myself just wanting to be with my baby. Tonight, after a long week of work, Phoenix poured into me. As I played with him, and gave him his bedtime bottle, he fed my soul and nurtured my heavy heart. His little body against my chest, whispered "mom, you're enough."Tonight I started to realize the magic of motherhood.