Permission to Love a Monster

She could taste metal as blood pooled in the bottom of her mouth. Without thinking, she swept her teeth with her tongue to make sure they were all still intact. She trepedatiously lifted her eyes to make sure the immediate threat was gone. She could make out his ratty jeans and work boots leaving the front door, which was enough. For now, she was safe.

It isn't hard for many of us to relate to the trauma and dispair of being hurt by someone we love. Many of us have experienced relationships that were unhealthy and honestly, we were lucky to survive. As we come to the realization that someone we love hurts us, we enter a grieving process that is rarely acknowledged.

As soon as you mention pain caused by a previous relationship, a close friend, a family member, other people in our lives immediately label them as a monster. We often come to admit and believe ourselves, that this person can be or has been a monster, but once we face that realization and make it public we are no longer allowed to refer to that person as anything other than a monster.

The truth is, it's so much more complicated than that. These are people we have lived with, shared memories with, learned things from, laughed with and suddenly those memories shouldn't exist. You are expected to put that person in a box and NEVER admit that part of you, loves parts of them. Part of you misses them, wishes it didn't end up this way, wishes he didn't have to cross the line, wishes he had dealt with his shit before making it your shit. Part of you idealizes the relationship it could have been if there wasn't so much fucked up convolution.

It's ok to admit that people are complex. That even a monster can have redeeming qualities. After all, there's a reason they were able to get close enough to hurt you, right? This is NOT about justifying someone's actions, this is about you not feeling shame about the whole truth and the truth is, that summing it up as "someone was just a monster who victimized you" rarely does the story justice. It doesn't allow you to see why you made the decisions you did, or why it destroyed you so deeply. So this is about you freely expressing your truth, even if that gives you permission to love a monster.

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